


The Revolutionary and The Wanderer

by Off_Line



Category: Homestuck
Genre: F/F, F/M, Gen, M/M, Multi, Post-Sburb, Post-Sburb/Sgrub, Sad Dave, bro gets his ass handed by alpha dave, cheating jade, dave is gay for egbert
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-03-28
Updated: 2018-03-31
Packaged: 2019-04-14 02:39:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,647
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14126298
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Off_Line/pseuds/Off_Line
Summary: You won the game, you're basically god. Now what? Terezi isn't showing up to her own fucking movie, and you don't know how many times you can stand hearing Jade turn you down in a day.





	1. Chapter 1

Your name is Dave Strider, and you've officially run late. Usually, nothing goes wrong, everything is smooth as a baby's butt after it had nice, after-shave shit smothered on its ass, because this baby suddenly decided that this is what it should be doing during the five seconds that their poor mom turns her back on them to be able to piss in peace. This is an accurate metaphor of how exactly you felt dealing with Pyrope right now. Of course, what the fuck else could you expect from a damn prosecutor? Although, in all honesty, you don't know why exactly she even hangs around your planet. You sigh, and undo your tie, leaning back in your director's chair without even giving it a second thought. She was meant to be here and direct with you. You were meant to be making shit happen. The only shit that actually happened is you leaning back in your stupid chair. And slumping your shoulders.

You wave off one of your assistants and take out your phone, your left thumb gliding over the fingerprint scanner that you had imbedded in this thing. You wouldn't ever dare give this old, rusty phone up. Used for ironic purposes, of course, apart from the fact that using this phone was another excuse as to using Pesterchum, because, it's so fucking bad that even trying to download Messenger and Facebook Lite messes it up. But. This was your /personal/ phone. You had a business phone, too, which was used to constantly update your twitter followers with JPEG artifacts that you leave all over the place and then take a photo of. You decide to pester your best bro without an issue, even though you figure he's probably at work.

\--turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering ectoBiologist [EB] at 12:35--  


TG: whats up my man  
TG: my brother from another mother  
TG: my best bro in the whole world  
TG: seriously dude what are you even doing is it actually even that important like id love some it if my BEST BRO could own up to his title  
TG: jesus Christ  
TG: alright  
TG: fine  


 --turntechGodhead began pestering ectoBiologist [EB] at 12:39--

\--ectoBiologist [EB] began pestering turntechGodhead [TG] at 12:46--

EB: hi dave!!!  
EB: sorry, i've been really busy lately, I don't really have much free time anymore because of vriska!!  
EB: oh no that's not how it's meant to sound  
EB: dave  
EB: dave  
EB: dave!!!  
TG: hello its me your macho man, the red riding hood of slaying fucking wolves  
TG: I slay all the fuck four legged furries at my conventions like some sort of gay sjw up in here  
TG: all for my one and truly bro  
TG: the bros of the bros  
EB: okay geez  
EB: what did you want to talk about my bestest of best bros? :B  
TG: im so bored I could eat a damn cactus up in here, you have no idea how many cactuses my ass has eaten already its almost as good as having to wait for tz to show up  
TG: cacti  
TG: I meant cacti  
TG: but no for real I could use something to do right about now since this movie is going fuckass nowhere without our lovely devilwoman  
TG: troll  
TG: or both I guess  
EB: that's a great idea! ill even invite jade over if you want, im sure you haven't gotten to see her much lately!!  
TG: yeah  
TG: definitely sure  
TG: I cant wait

\--turntechGodhead [TG] stopped pestering ectoBiologist [EB] at 13:03--  


You sigh and look away from the phone, for once, you're excited to actually see John- with Jade. Nothing could stop you from seeing your best bro in the best mood of all time, not even Jade...  


Talking about Jade, you haven't really tried to speak to her lately, you say to yourself as you get up and pocket your phone then check to see if you've got everything that you need to get out and get going to Casa D'Egbert. Turning your neck to face Tavros, you simply say:  


"A dude's gotta go howl ass and eat, don't do 'nything without TZ coming in first, yeah?" to which, your perfect subordinate nodded a little bit and twitchily walked away. Even with how long this guy has been around, you honestly have no idea how he manages to talk so smoothly, yet twitch like a human- troll bomb about to go off. You doubt the Alternian queen is about to haul ass just to do stupid little pranks that include bombs looking like trolls though, since, y'know, trolls could just about turn your planet to dust. You're rambling to yourself again; sigh. You quietly excuse yourself from the rest of your employees and keep up your perfected poker face, coupled with the same old Ben Stiller shades you got from John as a birthday present. So ironically cool. So fucking pretentious.  


They're perfect.  


Kind of like John.

You internally cough to yourself, thinking 'that was fucking gay', and unlock your Lamborghini. Might as well flex those rich muscles while you had them, right? Once inside the red sports car, you ease yourself into your total chai mode or some shit like that, releasing and cleansing all your chakras without an issue like the Asian guy at Wal-Mart taught you to, and pull out of the studio, onto the Washington streets. And then.  


It happens.  


Your phone decides to fucking ring, right as you just cleaned your last, red chakra. And it isn't even your personal, private-life phone either, no, of course not! It's your tailor. Probably, yeah. You lazyily force yourself to connect the iPhone 6 to your unironically bought car and answer the phone after the seventh ring. It's all very clear to you now, it very well is. You almost guessed right.  


"Sup."  
"Hello, David, I cannot say that we have spoken much after the wedding. If you would like, we could make up for that lost 'bro time' as you call it. However, there is something else that I would like to address, that regards my business as of now."  
"The business man in me is all up and listening, Kanaya," you decide to reply flatly, like most of the time, and continue your drive towards the Big Egbert Boy's house. Or you would be, if you weren't stuck in traffic talking to Maryam 2.0 right now. You know exactly what shit is about to go down.  
"As you know, the annual celebration of the Creators will be coming up shortly, and Porrim and I would love to arrange it, as always."  
"Totally didn't forget about it being three months and a half away, okay, yeah," add that to the reasons why Alternia didn't fuck Earth in the ass.

You groan internally. This is gonna be a long day.


	2. Chapter 2

Your fingers drummed impatiently to the beat of one of your sickest, and newest remixes as you waited at another stop light. Jesus, what's with all the damn traffic today? It's a special event and you think paradox space is trying to steal it from you, and you honestly have no idea how much you'd be willing to fuck with said paradox space to have your quality and barely-promised bro time. Kanaya kept talking on and on and fucking /on/ about how she thought that this year around they should switch to softer, black silk and red studs and whatnot, and honestly you just considered telling her to Alternia-Troll-Vampire handle it /her goddamn self/. Wait no, there's Porrim too. How these guys are actually even alive is beyond your field of knowledge and you honestly figured you would rather not know. Either way, the stoplight turns green, and you hastily decide to tell Kanaya that you've got pressing matters and not really that you're actually just stuck in traffic and the gods of these lands gave you a green stop light. She says she understands and bids her farewells, as you do yours, because hell it's kind of hard to diss you ecto-sister's chainsaw-wielding wife like that. You then decide to focus on getting to Casa D'Egbert, and this time you did it quite successfully and without anymore distractions, may you add in. Total peace for at least ten minutes is blissful for Director Strider, creator of the best JPEG Statues of Libertys. You let a small smile take over your features.

Five minutes later, you park infront of John's normal suburban home and take a look around to see if you can spot your supposed pooh-bear's car. You snicker. Pooh-bear, yeah, right. Perfect nickname for her. Either way you decide that you're already going to be late and who knows, maybe TZ will actually show the fuck up after you're done with lunch, or even in the middle of it really, so you need to haul ass and savour all this time that you've got on your hands right now. And that's what you're about to do.

You step up towards the front of the house, and take a casual look around for a bit before whistling and knocking at the door twice, and curtly. You expect the sort of welcoming that'll truly press your Strider Pride and have you attempt not to look anything beyond cool (i.e. gay). The door swings open, and so does all your self restraint with it once you see John on the other side of the door, all big grinning and snickering at you happily. Did he use the windy powers to get here faster or something? Jesus, you also hope Vriska and the Serket Company aren't around. John decides to distract you from that train of thought by dragging you inside his humble abode, as he called it two seconds ago. "Humble abode my ass, Egbert," is what you responded with, face unwavering.

~~  
Lunch has been eaten successfully. Even though John hates sweets he sure is a fucking dear at cooking, and honestly, sometimes you think he actually whips up a batch just for his guests/old friends, like the good host that he so very much is. You decide to be a good guest and take a handful of cookies, and eat them twice at a time while jokingly claiming that you could just about eat John up.

Everyone already knows that; except Egderp, hence the nickname he has yet to get rid of because of said non-realisation. It's cool, you can live with that, you've always lived with that. What you CAN'T live with is Jade having been here the whole time, eyeing you up and down and laughing and just generally being the Jade you and everyone else knew. Except with the added knee-to-shoulder to shoulder touching she has going on in front of you guys. It's almost irritating. Why hasn't she been this close to you lately either? Ugh.

Your mind wanders for a bit and you proceed to stuff another cookie in your mouth. Jade hasn't really been home at the same time as you have been lately. And if she was, she tried to be as discreet as possible and/or simply went to sleep, of course you'd still sleep in the same bed; but something felt off. This is no bueno. You'll have to confront her about this as soon as possible because honestly, this shit is going nowhere and all that's happening is you thinking of another man while with a girl that's probably cheating on you. But you love Jade, technically! She's always been your friend and you honestly don't think she would ever mean to hurt you like she is right now. Well, you hope you can still be friends, you probably will be?   
Strider talk over. No more wandering off right now. This shit is gonna get you twitchy if you keep on going.

~~  
Harley announces that she has to get to her Witchy-sort-of-business, to which you snort and ask her if she was always meant to be the one to make green potions and hide her huge, spotted nose. She doesn't respond. So much for a normal looking conversation Infront of your friends, huh? Alright. Two can play this sort of shit-show child-like game like the pro that you will totally be after schooling Jade at her own game.

John doesn't even flinch. Good, he didn't get it.   
Vriska, on the other hand, has been sipping her Dr. Pepper from the other side of the living room quietly, smirking. She knows too much honestly. Spider bitch, man.  
Now, it's just the three of you, with John casually floating back to the living room after having seen Jade to the door in a very host-y fashion. You decide to stick around a bit more, since you literally can't do shit without your right hand pansexual grey troll woman.

"Hey. Want anything to drink?" John's voice snaps you back to reality for the umpteenth time today.   
"Yeah, surprise me with something /good/," which usually means "don't piss in a glass and say that it's apple juice again, John, or I will wreck your shit".

~~  
Where are you? And why can't you see anything?

You blink and open your eyes a little, realising that someone (John) had taken your aviators off and consequently blinking at the bright light that hit your crimson eyes. It seems that you're halfway down to falling on the floor, with the current way you're lying on the couch and- you remember now.

And close your eyes again.

=> Dave: Remember.  
John came back with two glasses of some sort of golden liquid. You raised your aviators over your eyes and raised your right eyebrow in an interrogating manner, to which he simply shrugged and grinned widely.

Oh, so it was booze. Alright. Nothing Dave Elizabeth Strider can't handle. You took the glass of whiskey in your hand and began to take little sips of it. And little by little, those sips turned into whole whiskey glasses. And then, you had gouged down the whole bottle in a very evident drinking challenge with John. He knew he couldn't stop you once you reached the third, full glass, and stared in utter horror at this realisation (not really, you're just being dramatic).

So, that's the only thing you actually remember before blacking out or whatever the fuck else happened while you were piss poor drunk.

=>Dave: Answer John.

John had been asking Dave repeatedly if he was alright, and if he wanted more than the one aspirin he was currently holding in his hand. He grew a little worried knowing you, David, were just staring blankly at him (and managing to do so without your aviators, too). It took you another moment to snap out of your sappy gaze at this manboy/buckteeth champion and you took said aspirin and the water in his other glass.

"Sup."  
"Oh I never thought I'd hear from you again, Dave!! You looked like you were lost in /space/," that was such a bad reference and it killed you a little bit. Either way, you took a sip of the water and the aspirin together.

And spat it out. What the hell did he add into this water!? You turned to interrogate the man sitting on the couch besides you, obviously looking ecstatic when he saw you successfully drink the water.  
"Is this poison? Not a way I thought I'd go, Egderp, tell my wife and children... That I love them." You had ironically started screaming that as you clutched your chest tightly and slowly, slowly let yourself fall off the couch all the while playing dead like a dog looking for some praise and treats. Which honestly, considering how late it was and how much food you hadn't eaten since, maybe, one thirty.

Your stomach growled to give its opinion on the matter.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'd love it if you told me what I could improve on, and if you'd like me to keep going with this chapter!

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you enjoyed it.


End file.
